Some people know that I lost my big sister, Karen, when she was only 36 years old. She was my mentor and one of my best friends. I admired the way she raised her kids, served the people around her and clung to her faith, no matter what life threw at her. We talked on the phone every night, hung out every chance we got and shared pretty much every detail of our lives with one another.
She never complained once about her illness, never gave up hope that she would be healed and she never missed an opportunity to show her gratitude for one more day on Earth, with the people she loved. She “sucked the very marrow out of life” until that last afternoon, when I asked God to take her, because I couldn't watch her suffer, and His answer was a merciful “yes”.
I am here at Hope Fellowship because of her faith. I wanted to belong to a community of saints that could hold to their beliefs, even if they didn’t see the signs and wonders that I was accustomed to seeing. I also knew, the very first time that I worshiped here, that this would be my spiritual home. Every song that was sung was one that she had taught me. I am desperate to see Heaven partially because of my need to see her and my grandmother again.
What most of you don’t know is that Karen’s birthday was on Christmas Eve. Now I could make my mind up to be miserable every year at Christmas time, because she’s no longer here to share it with me, but what good would that do?
I read somewhere that the measure of pain we feel corresponds to the depth of love we felt. But to keep feeling bad to prove that I loved her makes no sense. Karen loved Christmas and she would feel horrible if she knew that I let the fact that it was her birthday ruin it for me. She’s in Heaven and she’s fine! She’ll be there waiting for me, when it’s my turn to go. There’s no point torturing myself because she isn’t here to celebrate with me. I will remember her always! And I’ll celebrate her favorite time of year in the way she would have wanted me to… with laughter and games and lavish love.
I’ll probably always get a little teary eyed when I receive a poinsettia at Christmas, because they were one of her favorite flowers. (They marked the beginning of the best season of all and I bought her one every year of my adult life.) But mine won’t be tears of sorrow… No, more like tears of homage; remembering a life well spent and a love deeply appreciated. Thankful tears… for I had the best big sister in the whole world and now I have this token to remember her by, and this day that will always mark her time here on Earth.
She never complained once about her illness, never gave up hope that she would be healed and she never missed an opportunity to show her gratitude for one more day on Earth, with the people she loved. She “sucked the very marrow out of life” until that last afternoon, when I asked God to take her, because I couldn't watch her suffer, and His answer was a merciful “yes”.
I am here at Hope Fellowship because of her faith. I wanted to belong to a community of saints that could hold to their beliefs, even if they didn’t see the signs and wonders that I was accustomed to seeing. I also knew, the very first time that I worshiped here, that this would be my spiritual home. Every song that was sung was one that she had taught me. I am desperate to see Heaven partially because of my need to see her and my grandmother again.
What most of you don’t know is that Karen’s birthday was on Christmas Eve. Now I could make my mind up to be miserable every year at Christmas time, because she’s no longer here to share it with me, but what good would that do?
I read somewhere that the measure of pain we feel corresponds to the depth of love we felt. But to keep feeling bad to prove that I loved her makes no sense. Karen loved Christmas and she would feel horrible if she knew that I let the fact that it was her birthday ruin it for me. She’s in Heaven and she’s fine! She’ll be there waiting for me, when it’s my turn to go. There’s no point torturing myself because she isn’t here to celebrate with me. I will remember her always! And I’ll celebrate her favorite time of year in the way she would have wanted me to… with laughter and games and lavish love.
I’ll probably always get a little teary eyed when I receive a poinsettia at Christmas, because they were one of her favorite flowers. (They marked the beginning of the best season of all and I bought her one every year of my adult life.) But mine won’t be tears of sorrow… No, more like tears of homage; remembering a life well spent and a love deeply appreciated. Thankful tears… for I had the best big sister in the whole world and now I have this token to remember her by, and this day that will always mark her time here on Earth.
- Heidi St Jean
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